i think I hate myself (this post contains religious matter, read at your own risk)

Just over three years ago I was traveling down I15 southbound in the left lane passing a semi-truck. I was going at least 78 because I was late meeting my children at Bear Lake. It was a very windy day and I had a tight grip on the steering wheel and my full attention was on the road. I had passed the semi-truck halfway when my right-side-rear tire blew. The sound was like a helicopter and it forced my hands to violently jerk side to side. I held tight and slowly moved onto the median and came to a complete stop. I have no idea how I arrived to a stop safely because the force of the blow left nothing on the rim of my tire. I remember it was a cold day and the first thing I thought was to get the tire off and put on the spare and at least drive it into blackfoot to see if I could get a tire. I had the pilot about two weeks and I could not even find the jack to remove the tire. After 5 minutes of panicking I realized it was a drop down jack but I had zero tools in my car and the bolt was on extremely tight. The next thing to do was call Bret (I was still married at the time and I had no clue what to do) His dad took it from there, called Les Schwab who came out with their huge tools and changed my tire to the spare and then I followed them into town where they replaced all four tires and my ex-father in law paid for four new tires.
So why am I telling you this story and how does that apply to me hating myself? Here goes, I feel like I have been coasting, living life because it's what everyone does. I try to do my best everyday but I am wondering if it really is my best? So last week my tire blew out, and like always I feel myself just putting it behind me and moving on, not this time. I need to fix it, I need to stop and fix me. I think the first step is actually admitting that I am broken, I guess that is a good thing. So now I have myself stopped at the median and who do I call? NO ONE! This is up to me. I was thinking in church this morning of the last time that I was really at peace with myself and liked who I was. Sometimes when i look in the mirror I honestly think I do not deserve to be truly happy and will completely talk myself out of anything that could possibly bring me happiness. The time has come for me to change my thought process and focus on having and being the person that I have always wanted to be. So when was the last time I truly liked myself? When I was on my mission and had absolutely no desire to do anything for myself and did not focus on what I wanted. I would lay down in my futon at night and be so exhausted that it took .2 seconds to fall asleep. So what now? that was a million years ago. The time has come for me to let go of every need that I have and focus on those around me. I can't join the peace corp or quit my job to volunteer at the homeless shelter, but I can set my needs aside and loose this angry bitter person that I have been carrying around for a long time now.
So here begins my journey, and I won't post about the things that I will do for others because then it will become about me. This has to be unhitched service, the kind that does not require anything back ever. I am excited about the change...it's about time.