IT'S WORKING

So, this has been an incredible week. Nope-nothing spectacular has happened, I haven't sold my house yet and Team Canada actually lost to team USA on Sunday night but my outlook has been completely positive. So what is the difference between this week and last week? I am taking one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I am trying to let go of the things that I cannot change and embrace the things that are right in front of me. I am trying to find joy in the simple things (like Cierra passing driver's ed) and I am not planning the next event in my life, I am enjoying today. It might also be helping that I am totally caught up on my homework, laundry, dishes, reports at work, and I am squeezing in my running everyday-that always helps:) I am getting up earlier so I can get everything done and I am not even tired. I have not been this motivated in a very long time. So will this continue? I am going to try my best to MAKE it happen.
It's funny, I wake up in the morning and think of someone that I can help in some small way to accomplish the goals that I set for myself and by the end of the day I have received more things/help than I gave in the first place..I have some very amazing people in my life.

i think I hate myself (this post contains religious matter, read at your own risk)

Just over three years ago I was traveling down I15 southbound in the left lane passing a semi-truck. I was going at least 78 because I was late meeting my children at Bear Lake. It was a very windy day and I had a tight grip on the steering wheel and my full attention was on the road. I had passed the semi-truck halfway when my right-side-rear tire blew. The sound was like a helicopter and it forced my hands to violently jerk side to side. I held tight and slowly moved onto the median and came to a complete stop. I have no idea how I arrived to a stop safely because the force of the blow left nothing on the rim of my tire. I remember it was a cold day and the first thing I thought was to get the tire off and put on the spare and at least drive it into blackfoot to see if I could get a tire. I had the pilot about two weeks and I could not even find the jack to remove the tire. After 5 minutes of panicking I realized it was a drop down jack but I had zero tools in my car and the bolt was on extremely tight. The next thing to do was call Bret (I was still married at the time and I had no clue what to do) His dad took it from there, called Les Schwab who came out with their huge tools and changed my tire to the spare and then I followed them into town where they replaced all four tires and my ex-father in law paid for four new tires.
So why am I telling you this story and how does that apply to me hating myself? Here goes, I feel like I have been coasting, living life because it's what everyone does. I try to do my best everyday but I am wondering if it really is my best? So last week my tire blew out, and like always I feel myself just putting it behind me and moving on, not this time. I need to fix it, I need to stop and fix me. I think the first step is actually admitting that I am broken, I guess that is a good thing. So now I have myself stopped at the median and who do I call? NO ONE! This is up to me. I was thinking in church this morning of the last time that I was really at peace with myself and liked who I was. Sometimes when i look in the mirror I honestly think I do not deserve to be truly happy and will completely talk myself out of anything that could possibly bring me happiness. The time has come for me to change my thought process and focus on having and being the person that I have always wanted to be. So when was the last time I truly liked myself? When I was on my mission and had absolutely no desire to do anything for myself and did not focus on what I wanted. I would lay down in my futon at night and be so exhausted that it took .2 seconds to fall asleep. So what now? that was a million years ago. The time has come for me to let go of every need that I have and focus on those around me. I can't join the peace corp or quit my job to volunteer at the homeless shelter, but I can set my needs aside and loose this angry bitter person that I have been carrying around for a long time now.
So here begins my journey, and I won't post about the things that I will do for others because then it will become about me. This has to be unhitched service, the kind that does not require anything back ever. I am excited about the change...it's about time.

Lifetime friends

On September 5th many years ago I met two incredible women that are still a part of my world today. Allison Crowther and Donna Goldston were my companions in the MTC. For anyone who has ever served an LDS mission- you know what the MTC is like, it is pretty hard and we lived with each other for 9 weeks studying the Japanese language. At that time I was devastated because I was leaving my boyfriend and both Allison and Donna can tell you I was completely pathetic it and now it seems funny but I imagine back then it was kind of annoying.
We arrived in Japan and I did not get to see Allison or Donna very often but when I did, it was like seeing family again. After we got home, we all went our separate ways, married, and had babies. Allsion lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and two sons and Donna now lives in Boise, Idaho with her husband and 4 kids.
I have STD conferences that I go to in Boise, Idaho and ever since I found out that Donna was here I have stopped in to say hello and spend some time with her incredible family.
Donna has a mountain of faith and is very kind and loving. When you walk into her home immediately you feel welcomed. She is still the same person as she was all of those years ago and she often kept me in line with a gentle "now, Boyd Shimai" Donna was definitely the leader of our little group, she had the wisdom of someone who had experienced life for many years!
Donna married a fine young man by the name of Byron Stepherson. Byron has his own business in insurance coverage and I might add that he is very successful. I could not have hand picked a better guy for Donna, he is funny, smart, and an incredible dad.
Their first son Henry, is 15 and wrestles. He has a big meet tomorrow and I am hoping that he makes it to state so that I can see their little family on my side of the state within the next two weeks! Henry has to maintain his weight in order to compete so while I was at their house tonight he was running stairs, treadmill, and all around the house to burn calories. I love how devoted he is!
Jane is next..(8th grade, I hope I have that right) Long strawberry blonde hair like her mom and very cute. She danced the majority of the time and worked on homework with her dad. According to her mom, Jane is excellent at solving problems and figures things out on her own, smart and beautiful...dang!
THE TWINS!!
Kate and Sarah are both in the 6th grade and VERY intelligent. When I first arrived tonight they were both upstairs reading a book. Donna says that they read a book per week. The twins are very athletic and flexible, while I was there they gracefully did a head-stand and invited me to do the same.... no comment. The same bond that my twins have, is evident with Sarah and Kate as well, they are best friends. I was sitting beside Sarah and had a very deep conversation with her. I asked her if her and Kate ever fought, her reply was..."arlene, we are not perfect" totally priceless. These two belong on the doublemint gum commericals..adorable, funny and very entertaining.
So tonight went something like this, arrived at Donna's, Byron continued to give me the update on the hockey game between Team Canada and Sweden (olympics), watched the women's snowboarding event and Shaun White (that kid is amazing) Donna and i helped with homework, we played apples to apples and the game " I never", I received a back massage from Sarah and she brushed my hair and put it in pony tails.
I love spending time with the Stepherson's, they are so down to earth and so much fun! I am so glad they are a part of my world.

Moooooving

I have lived at my current residence for the past ten years now and this is the second time I have attempted to sell this house. When we first moved into this house Cierra was attending pre-school and the twins were two. I was going to nursing school and working part time at the Idaho Falls temple as a custodian from 10pm until 2am (I loved that job, in fact, it felt like I should have been paying them for letting me work there).
We choose this house for a few reasons;
1. it is 5 houses from the school
2. it was full of charm and potential
3. the huge room added to the back of the house (my favorite room)
This house holds many memories and has been a place of safety and comfort.
Almost two years ago I put it on the market and planned on staying in the Idaho Falls area to continue to work at the health department and continue my education. I left it on the market for 5 months, there was not much movement at that time and the economy was starting to fall. Taking it off the market and making some improvements was a solution for a while but I knew that it would be put up for sale again within a short period of time.
It's time again and all of a sudden I remembered how hard it was to keep a house spotless for longer than two hours.
My house has been on the market for a week now and it has received some attention. I have decreased the price quite a bit and have made some huge improvements. So what's next? The one thing that makes me insane in life..waiting with great patience for someone to fall in love with it the way that i did ten years ago.

learning

The feeling of the past two days have been very strange and almost "twlight zone" like. As i was cleaning my basement out I found a note that had been posted to my door over 12 years ago. It was from a man that killed himself 11 years ago. He was my neighbor and the maintenance guy at the little america hotel. He had tried to kill himself twice before the final attempt and then finally succeeded. The feeling of weirdness did not change today when one of my favorite nurses from the satelite offices shared a traumatic story about of her relative that was killed in an avalanche this past weekend. As she sat with tears streaming down her face she made several comments that still ring through my mind. The gentleman that passed away was very familar with the back hills and was with his son. They make it a habit of bringing their rescue equipment whenever they go but this time he said he did not need it and left it in his truck. When they recovered the man's body there was not one scratch on him. He was buried under only 15 inches of snow while his son watched. He worked at the temple the night before and escorted his son through the veil. It just leaves me wondering if somehow he knew it was coming to a close?

With all of this running through my mind I encountered a young mom who was suicidal and I escorted her to the emergency room. I thought for sure this day would pull out of it's darkness when I received and email stating that my dear friend Bonnie had passed away.

I met Bonnie when i was young and single. Her youngest of 5 boys was on his mission to Japan and she was in my Japanese Anthropology class. She introduced herself and we became very close. She was going to pick her son up after his mission and she wanted to learn the language so in exchange for teaching her Japanese once a week, she made me dinner.

She came to my wedding and we have kept in touch over the years. Eventually she remarried and ironically it was to my co-worker's grandfather. The last time I spoke to her she offered to take family pictures of my children and myself, I should have taken her up on that.

So what did I learn today? hmmm..It is hard to put into words but don't take people for granted, if you care about them tell them now and don't put it off. I like to control everything in my life but I am slowly learning that I am powerless and ultimately I really do not have that much of a say. Don't sweat the small stuff, if you do you set yourself up for disappointment every single time.