i think I hate myself (this post contains religious matter, read at your own risk)

Just over three years ago I was traveling down I15 southbound in the left lane passing a semi-truck. I was going at least 78 because I was late meeting my children at Bear Lake. It was a very windy day and I had a tight grip on the steering wheel and my full attention was on the road. I had passed the semi-truck halfway when my right-side-rear tire blew. The sound was like a helicopter and it forced my hands to violently jerk side to side. I held tight and slowly moved onto the median and came to a complete stop. I have no idea how I arrived to a stop safely because the force of the blow left nothing on the rim of my tire. I remember it was a cold day and the first thing I thought was to get the tire off and put on the spare and at least drive it into blackfoot to see if I could get a tire. I had the pilot about two weeks and I could not even find the jack to remove the tire. After 5 minutes of panicking I realized it was a drop down jack but I had zero tools in my car and the bolt was on extremely tight. The next thing to do was call Bret (I was still married at the time and I had no clue what to do) His dad took it from there, called Les Schwab who came out with their huge tools and changed my tire to the spare and then I followed them into town where they replaced all four tires and my ex-father in law paid for four new tires.
So why am I telling you this story and how does that apply to me hating myself? Here goes, I feel like I have been coasting, living life because it's what everyone does. I try to do my best everyday but I am wondering if it really is my best? So last week my tire blew out, and like always I feel myself just putting it behind me and moving on, not this time. I need to fix it, I need to stop and fix me. I think the first step is actually admitting that I am broken, I guess that is a good thing. So now I have myself stopped at the median and who do I call? NO ONE! This is up to me. I was thinking in church this morning of the last time that I was really at peace with myself and liked who I was. Sometimes when i look in the mirror I honestly think I do not deserve to be truly happy and will completely talk myself out of anything that could possibly bring me happiness. The time has come for me to change my thought process and focus on having and being the person that I have always wanted to be. So when was the last time I truly liked myself? When I was on my mission and had absolutely no desire to do anything for myself and did not focus on what I wanted. I would lay down in my futon at night and be so exhausted that it took .2 seconds to fall asleep. So what now? that was a million years ago. The time has come for me to let go of every need that I have and focus on those around me. I can't join the peace corp or quit my job to volunteer at the homeless shelter, but I can set my needs aside and loose this angry bitter person that I have been carrying around for a long time now.
So here begins my journey, and I won't post about the things that I will do for others because then it will become about me. This has to be unhitched service, the kind that does not require anything back ever. I am excited about the change...it's about time.

Lifetime friends

On September 5th many years ago I met two incredible women that are still a part of my world today. Allison Crowther and Donna Goldston were my companions in the MTC. For anyone who has ever served an LDS mission- you know what the MTC is like, it is pretty hard and we lived with each other for 9 weeks studying the Japanese language. At that time I was devastated because I was leaving my boyfriend and both Allison and Donna can tell you I was completely pathetic it and now it seems funny but I imagine back then it was kind of annoying.
We arrived in Japan and I did not get to see Allison or Donna very often but when I did, it was like seeing family again. After we got home, we all went our separate ways, married, and had babies. Allsion lives in Washington D.C. with her husband and two sons and Donna now lives in Boise, Idaho with her husband and 4 kids.
I have STD conferences that I go to in Boise, Idaho and ever since I found out that Donna was here I have stopped in to say hello and spend some time with her incredible family.
Donna has a mountain of faith and is very kind and loving. When you walk into her home immediately you feel welcomed. She is still the same person as she was all of those years ago and she often kept me in line with a gentle "now, Boyd Shimai" Donna was definitely the leader of our little group, she had the wisdom of someone who had experienced life for many years!
Donna married a fine young man by the name of Byron Stepherson. Byron has his own business in insurance coverage and I might add that he is very successful. I could not have hand picked a better guy for Donna, he is funny, smart, and an incredible dad.
Their first son Henry, is 15 and wrestles. He has a big meet tomorrow and I am hoping that he makes it to state so that I can see their little family on my side of the state within the next two weeks! Henry has to maintain his weight in order to compete so while I was at their house tonight he was running stairs, treadmill, and all around the house to burn calories. I love how devoted he is!
Jane is next..(8th grade, I hope I have that right) Long strawberry blonde hair like her mom and very cute. She danced the majority of the time and worked on homework with her dad. According to her mom, Jane is excellent at solving problems and figures things out on her own, smart and beautiful...dang!
THE TWINS!!
Kate and Sarah are both in the 6th grade and VERY intelligent. When I first arrived tonight they were both upstairs reading a book. Donna says that they read a book per week. The twins are very athletic and flexible, while I was there they gracefully did a head-stand and invited me to do the same.... no comment. The same bond that my twins have, is evident with Sarah and Kate as well, they are best friends. I was sitting beside Sarah and had a very deep conversation with her. I asked her if her and Kate ever fought, her reply was..."arlene, we are not perfect" totally priceless. These two belong on the doublemint gum commericals..adorable, funny and very entertaining.
So tonight went something like this, arrived at Donna's, Byron continued to give me the update on the hockey game between Team Canada and Sweden (olympics), watched the women's snowboarding event and Shaun White (that kid is amazing) Donna and i helped with homework, we played apples to apples and the game " I never", I received a back massage from Sarah and she brushed my hair and put it in pony tails.
I love spending time with the Stepherson's, they are so down to earth and so much fun! I am so glad they are a part of my world.

Moooooving

I have lived at my current residence for the past ten years now and this is the second time I have attempted to sell this house. When we first moved into this house Cierra was attending pre-school and the twins were two. I was going to nursing school and working part time at the Idaho Falls temple as a custodian from 10pm until 2am (I loved that job, in fact, it felt like I should have been paying them for letting me work there).
We choose this house for a few reasons;
1. it is 5 houses from the school
2. it was full of charm and potential
3. the huge room added to the back of the house (my favorite room)
This house holds many memories and has been a place of safety and comfort.
Almost two years ago I put it on the market and planned on staying in the Idaho Falls area to continue to work at the health department and continue my education. I left it on the market for 5 months, there was not much movement at that time and the economy was starting to fall. Taking it off the market and making some improvements was a solution for a while but I knew that it would be put up for sale again within a short period of time.
It's time again and all of a sudden I remembered how hard it was to keep a house spotless for longer than two hours.
My house has been on the market for a week now and it has received some attention. I have decreased the price quite a bit and have made some huge improvements. So what's next? The one thing that makes me insane in life..waiting with great patience for someone to fall in love with it the way that i did ten years ago.

learning

The feeling of the past two days have been very strange and almost "twlight zone" like. As i was cleaning my basement out I found a note that had been posted to my door over 12 years ago. It was from a man that killed himself 11 years ago. He was my neighbor and the maintenance guy at the little america hotel. He had tried to kill himself twice before the final attempt and then finally succeeded. The feeling of weirdness did not change today when one of my favorite nurses from the satelite offices shared a traumatic story about of her relative that was killed in an avalanche this past weekend. As she sat with tears streaming down her face she made several comments that still ring through my mind. The gentleman that passed away was very familar with the back hills and was with his son. They make it a habit of bringing their rescue equipment whenever they go but this time he said he did not need it and left it in his truck. When they recovered the man's body there was not one scratch on him. He was buried under only 15 inches of snow while his son watched. He worked at the temple the night before and escorted his son through the veil. It just leaves me wondering if somehow he knew it was coming to a close?

With all of this running through my mind I encountered a young mom who was suicidal and I escorted her to the emergency room. I thought for sure this day would pull out of it's darkness when I received and email stating that my dear friend Bonnie had passed away.

I met Bonnie when i was young and single. Her youngest of 5 boys was on his mission to Japan and she was in my Japanese Anthropology class. She introduced herself and we became very close. She was going to pick her son up after his mission and she wanted to learn the language so in exchange for teaching her Japanese once a week, she made me dinner.

She came to my wedding and we have kept in touch over the years. Eventually she remarried and ironically it was to my co-worker's grandfather. The last time I spoke to her she offered to take family pictures of my children and myself, I should have taken her up on that.

So what did I learn today? hmmm..It is hard to put into words but don't take people for granted, if you care about them tell them now and don't put it off. I like to control everything in my life but I am slowly learning that I am powerless and ultimately I really do not have that much of a say. Don't sweat the small stuff, if you do you set yourself up for disappointment every single time.

Canada

I didn't have much time to blog while I was in Canada with my family so I will give you a brief summary of the events that took place as far as I can remember while I was with my family.
The night before we boarded the airplane I had all my documentation in place (or so I thought) I have all of my children's social security numbers and birth certificates placed together with my green card and I had their dad's letter stating it would be fine for his children to cross the border. When I opened my little blue folder I noticed that Abbey's birth certificate was missing. Immediately my mind when back to the summer when I remembered I needed to present it to her soccer coach to prove her age. I did not have time to look for it so I turned to the kids and said.."oh well, let's hope this works" We arrived in Salt Lake and stayed at a hotel, we were all excited so sleep was not on our minds and I was stressed about crossing the border with a child's birth certificate missing. All night long I had dreams that I would not get across the border and that I should have looked in the back of my vehicle because that is where I placed it. We woke up and got ready for our adventure and just before the shuttle left for the airport I looked for her certificate in the back of my car...there it was, I knew at that moment it was an answer to my prayers. At that very moment abbey complained that her foot was hurting and I grabbed the first aid kit out of the back of the car at the same time and put a dressing on her foot. The shuttle was getting ready to leave so I raced out to my vehicle to put it back in the back of my car (little did I know I placed the birth certificate in the first aid kit). If you don't know me and you are reading this, it may seem like a completely air-headed thing to do, however, stress+being crazy busy='s significant memory loss for me every single time...
The plane ride there was completely uneventful which is a miracle in and of itself. There were no delays and we landed on time. The roads were clear for travelling. My dear friend Maureen picked us up and we met my mom, sister Debbie, and my friend Cindy at Maureen's house.

My parents live in Brighton which is a small tourist town right on the shore of Lake Ontario. I grew up 4km from a huge sandy beach and my parents still live in the same house. The smells are familiar and that house gives complete comfort when you walk in the front door.
The first night Debbie's kids and husband Daryl, came over to my parent's house to visit. My dad looked very weak and he was exhausted. He tried like crazy to be funny and crack jokes but his tough exterior no longer exists. He is a 66 year old man inside of a 95 year old man's body.
The most amazing thing to me was watching my mom in action. She has never been to nursing school in fact she dropped out of school when she was very young to help support her family. She fed my dad high protein foods and checked his B/P daily. She made him put his own socks on and get up and down quite frequently to prevent muscle wasting. She is amazing and taught me that the only qualifications you need to have to be a nurse is to care about the person you are taking care of.

So the first day we did not plan to do very much at all. We were tired and the object of this trip was to give my mom some relief and create some memories with my dad that my kids would remember forever. Both of my parents speak with a very strong Irish accent and sometimes it is hard for my kids to understand what they are saying. I love to watch my parents interact with my kids, there is nothing that makes me happier than that. Aaron came running upstairs one morning as I was getting ready with a huge grin on his face and said "I was just eating cereal with grandma and she turned to me and said, Aaron, I love you guys so much" My parents have never had a ton of money, but they have huge hearts that love many many people.

Ok, I am tired and I really need to get to bed, I will continue this blog another day, hopefully soon so that my memories are still fresh in my mind.

My family

Over the next couple of weeks I am going to be in Brighton, Ontario, Canada. That is where I grew up and where the rest of my family lives. I love my family, they are all unique individuals that when put together equal a lot of fun.

Michael Davis Boyd

He is the funniest of us all and if you want to read more about him you can check out one of my previous blog entries. He is awesome and has taken care of all of us in some way over our life span. He is the head of our household and not one of us would disrespect him on purpose. That is all I will say about him, like I said, if you would like to read more then check out my previous blog.

Irene Phyllis Boyd

If there was one word to describe my mom it is fire-cracker (I know that is two words but I joined it with a hyphen). She is full of energy and does not stop moving. She is very funny and not on purpose, she just comes off with these goofy things and does not realize how funny she actually is. My mom had a rough start in life when she lost her mom at the age of 5 but she has pulled through like a trooper and does nothing but give 100% of the time. Truly an amazing woman with a heart of gold.

Terrence Robert Boyd

This guy is definitely the alpha male of the siblings, he takes on the role of being the lead and makes sure that everyone is taken care of. When Terry, Mike, and I were walking home from school one day, mike and I called a girl "fatso"-rude, I know. She chased us and was totally going to attack when she caught us. Terry grabbed her and flipped her over his back and broke her collar bone. We had a bunch of bullies follow us everyday after school until Terry turned around and wacked them with his lunchbox on the head. Terry is an amazing big brother and would go to bat for me anyday! When Terry laughs immediately tears roll down his face and he has a hard time telling the rest of the story. Terry's family includes, Heather, his hot little woman with Cameron, Hannah, Caitlyn and Clover as their children.

Michael Phillip Boyd

Michael is the quiet yet very methodical one. When dad was going through his radiation treatments, this guy took off everyday to take him to the kingston cancer center, which is about an hour drive. Micheal acts pretty tough on the outside but underneath it all is caring and giving. He is also an awesome big brother. I love how Mike's girls tease him, they give him a run for his money and he totally loves it. Mike's wife is Bonnie and they have two beautiful girls, Britany, and Kaitlyn

MEEEEEEEE -enough said, I have my three children, Cierra, Abbey and Aaron.

Deboragh Sheila Jane Boyd

I remember the day that mom and dad brought Debbie home from the hospital, I also remember the day that she was admitted to the hospital with her second round of chicken pox. I remember the day she politely said "you stepped on my toe you F'ing kid" (I did not spell that out to spare you the details) or the time that her young boyfriend leaned over to kiss her and put his hand in dog poop instead. There are not too many memories that I have of my childhood that do not have Debbie in them too. Debbie loves to laugh and she has a very infectious laugh. That is how I know I am home, when I hear her giggle. Debbie is not only my sister but she is my best friend. I love to spend time with her and to this day I still take great pleasure in teasing her. Deb's family includes Daryl-one of my favorite guys in the world! with children, Bridger, Porter, Jazzlyn, and Keely.

Christine Elizabeth Wilamenha Boyd (lisser)

Lisser is amazing, she had a rough start when she was born she was premature and weighed 1 lb 8 oz. The doctors told my mom that she was not going to make it through the night, her tough little spirit pulled her through and she is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. Christine does have some residual developmental problems from being premature but she has graduated from college and works as a volunteer teachers' assistant for Brighton public school. All of her life skills came much later than that of the milestones but if you have the opportunity to meet her she will instantly touch your heart in ways that words cannot describe. She is very quiet until you get her talking and then you might just as well sit down because you will be there for a while. When Christine starts laughing she cannot stop. The thing that makes her laugh the most is when people fall, I am pretty sure it is a nervous thing, but don't attempt to watch the titanic with her because when the people start hitting the water, you won't get the normal response. Christine is not married and does not have any children, she may never, but that girl is going straight to heaven.

John Mathew Tyler Boyd

John was adopted into the Boyd family and came home with my mom and dad when he was one day old. He has big blue eyes just like the rest of us so he fits in very well. Unfortunately, the year my mom and dad adopted Johnny was the year that I was married and lived in the states so I did not get to watch him grow up into the young man that he is today. I remember my wedding day and how my poor mom had to leave a number of times because of this fussy young man. He was allergic to all of the formulas known to man and it took my parents a lot of sleepless nights to figure it out. This I do know about my brother, he is a good kid. He tries super hard at everything that he does. Finding your way in a world full of adults can be tough but he pulled through it like a champ. Johnny is not married, he is 16 but has a girlfriend by the name of Sami.

That is the Boyd family, we have our issues just like every other family out there but when we get together the games are endless and the laughter-unstoppable. I love my family every single one of them and I cannot wait to see them all this week!

Cierra

Cierra, Christina, Renee England was born January 20th 1995. Her original due date was January 15th but apparently she enjoyed her housing arrangements and had a hard time leaving. She was a big baby and weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 21 inches long. At that time Cierra's father (bret) and I lived in Hawaii, on the island of Oahu while bret attended BYU Hawaii. It was an exciting time for us because she was our first baby and we were very excited. We did not have a vehicle on the island so Cierra and I spent many hours walking with her in her stroller, and we loved every minute of it. To be honest, she was a crabby baby. The first few weeks of her life she awoke every hour to nurse, and it was incredibly hard to get her back to sleep. I am sure it was my lack of experience and I jumped up every time she made a noise. Cierra was a breastfeeding nazi and would not take a bottle so needless to say we were connected at the hip and still are to this day. As she grew into a toddler her little personality had most people intrigued with her intellect and she entertained many.

Cierra was 29 months old when her younger twin brother (aaron) and sister (abbey) were born. She instantly became a little mother for the both of them. She helped me with everything from changing diapers to helping bathe the babies. She was a life saver even back then when she was so little.

I will tell you a few stories about Cierra that clearly define who she is. When she was 5 she came home from kindergarten and asked if she could do more chores around the house to earn some extra money. I looked at her strangely and she explained that there was a young man in her class that could not afford to bring in the $0.50 that he needed to partake in the classes Thanksgiving dinner. She did the chores and turned the money in anonymously. Cierra would give away anything that she had to help another person out, she is amazing.

Cierra is a lot like her father in the fact that she is very organized. She does have some qualities that she was born with and were not learned behaviors, reading-that girl can plow through a book and have it completed in a short period of time. She completes assignments for school months before they are due.

So here she is turning 15 in less than 3 weeks, where on earth did the time go and where did that little girl go? She has her four year college plan mapped out and wants to become a vet. She knows what she wants and goes after it with determination.

I would not even want to imagine a world without Cierra in it. She makes me smile daily with her goofy attitude. She loves people and fills the room with her positive attitude and courage. I love that she is apart of my world!